For all my life I believed in progress as our sole purpose. The answer to the age-long question about the meaning of life was obvious to me: we are born to explore. I couldn’t stand any other explanation. All alone in the infinite universe filled with the great big nothing with no one to tell us what the heck are we doing here, how could anyone be so ignorant and arrogant enough to come up with their own meanings instead of actively searching the explanation? Yet, I couldn’t see this spark in grown-ups around me. It absolutely bewildered me and I wondered why. Why aren’t they restless? It seemed to my young mind that they had given up.
What I didn’t see then, I understand now. It’s not like they found an answer. At some point, it just stopped being relevant. And what’s that point, you ask? Well, it’s the point when they learned to love. See, I’ve always been skeptical of love and when my philosophy professor told us that the meaning of life is love I was legitimately offended. It seemed incredibly silly to me to find meaning is something that is clearly driven by primitive instincts. Loving is easy and anyone can do it, so why making a big deal out of it?
That was before I tried MDMA for the first time. It showed me what the professor was talking about. For all that time I was confusing the physical affection with what love really is about. And it’s about cultivating compassion, sincerity, and forgiveness in yourself in every moment of your life. Real love is unconditional and self-sacrificing. Yet, it doesn’t restrict you, but empowers and liberates instead. And I’m not talking about the relationship between the two people. It’s about all of us as humanity and the way we treat each other. It’s what every single religion is trying to teach us. When you love, everything makes sense and the question about the meaning of life doesn’t even pop into your head.
Since then I’ve been trying to teach myself to love. And along the way, I learned that it’s far from being easy. Even though I saw clearly what it can do I was failing at being sincere over and over. I struggled at being compassionate. We are weak by nature and we are often helpless in the face of our instincts. And for the first time in my life, I confronted mine: the selfishness and the fear inside of me which I wasn’t aware of. And, ironically, the solution I came up with to overcome my weakness was the one I’ve always viewed as my main value. Unconsciously I’ve been walking down the road to love while rejecting it. It’s self-improvement, both on the social and individual levels. As a society, we have to explore, invent and discover in order to make some space for us to express love by eliminating threats from the hostile environment that bring out the worst in us. As an individual, one must constantly work on thyself because that’s is the only way of accepting yourself and, consequently, others. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of strength, but then, it’s kind of definition of love, ain’t it?